so i was walking back from the track one day right before a basketball game and these two somewhat dirty looking black guys are holding up signs that they need tickets for the game. and no, they weren't dirty looking because they were black. so i was walking by and the guy looked at me so i was like "hello" treating him just like i would any other human being and then he said "hi" and as i walked past him he asks me "hey baby what do you say me and you get together sometime?" that makes me sad. there i was trying to treat someone with respect and because i was female i didn't get any respect. but it's not just that. i mean i can't hold it against him, i can't hold anything against anybody anymore because you can't really get outside of your own social and cultural influences.

okay, i'm going to sound like a total racist because i am racist but i can't really get outside of that in a way, and neither can you, so you really can't hold it against me. in passing, the first categories that i had been conditioned to see popped into my head: black male. just like when anyone first sees me, they probably see me as asian female. i mean consciously that becomes a distinguishing characteristic. whereas, if he had been a white male, i wouldn't have thought "he's white" or seen him as white persay, i would have seen him as the default male. just like langston hughes wasn't a great writer, he was a great black writer. just like if i became a writer, i wouldn't just be a writer, i'd be an asian-american writer, which suddenly defaults all my writing as speaking to and for this tiny community of people that isn't even a COMMUNITY. just a bunch of people who have been categorized in a specific way and so all they have in common is how people have decided to see them, which yes does give some sort of similarity to their experiences, but in the same way, bonding together as a community gives others a validation of seeing them AS a community. i know i know you have all heard me say this shit before, and it's hardly even my own, just what i learned in my damn anthropology class but i can't tell you how annoying it is that this sort of crap is supposed to be valid in my identity.

but i digress. so i see this guy "black male" and i get all paranoid like, yo i dont wanna disrespect him or what not, but i dont wanna treat him differently and be like hi if i wouldn't be hi to the normal white joe just hanging out. im so DISGUSTINGLY conscious of it all because i so badly want to be UNCONSCIOUS of it. but when i do say hi -- which i would have done to the white male if he had just outright and looked at me... he replies to an act of friendliness in what i would guess is in terms of how his interactions with people have been defined. i guess i can't really speak for this guy cos i dont KNOW him and see i can't even talk about this whole deal without already defining this guy's thought process by his race. and so I GIVE UP.

but what i do have to say is it makes me sad that charlottesville is built to block the poor downtown area off from the richy bitchy university. it makes me sad that we're tucked in our nice little bubble and we don't see how spoiled we are every single day and want to change things.

it makes me sad that organizations set up for good causes are typically all christian. yeah so now im an anti-christian. but i mean like madison house and habitat for humanity and such. why do they have to define themselves by their christianity? it's like hey, we're going to help you because we're christian and that's what i think god wants us to do. despite the fact that our all-powerful christian god is the one who causes your suffering, yet makes us nice little rich bitches, but that really isn't the point because so long as youre christian he'll like you. but yeah, he thinks youre a dirty human being, cos we're all sinners.

i dont have a problem with christians wanting to help people, but by defining themselves as a "christian" help group what is it supposed to score them brownie points with god? or trying to show people what good little christians they are? argh, all im really saying is i dont like it being all exclusive.

and now im sad because what i just wrote was a) repeating the shit i have said a million times before and b) helpless

enough

god is scraping flesh with a shiny-stainless-steel steak knife from two walls on the insides of my uterus. the exposed flesh bleeds, throbs, cries - a sensation that makes my entire body shiver in hot and cold blood. it tells the whole body, even underneath my fingernails i know that my body is scraping itself to pain just by the chill of it

so that is what it's like to be female. i suppose that's what other girls call cramps? doesn't really feel like cramps to me.

i did some drawing tonight and actually somewhat enjoyed it. i think the objects i picked for my last project were just so ridiculously awful... i want to do portrait drawing. but did you know that the right brain is timeless? it can't tell time. the right brain must be where love is then

sorry for the looseness. that's how i feel. it's this one crazy tight pain in my uterus and the rest of me is this huge mass of loose flesh that's just trying to fall away from that... so my whole mood is loose.

sleep now.

my stomach feels fleshy and over-done, weak and flaccid.

there's this crazy stickiness leaking from my skin. it's sweat but i'm not hot, it's that the oils in my body are permeating out.

and my brain feels like a massive rock, a lump in my head, and i can feel its immobility and its inability tied into my skull. a constant fatigue weighing down my every thought process, my every word, my every emotion.

i just know i really dont think any of anyone is all that bad. im worst because im a snivelling cranky selfish bitch and i like the stupidity of others but really deep down we're all just human. no matter what our standards of living at least we can all laugh and smile.

i should try to like people more, because i think my dislike for them has much more to do with their outside stupidity and more to do with my own need to feel superior. my own selfish belief that i have more of a right to say "i am" just because "i have." i hate being so competitive and i wish i could just LIKE people. im so ugly judgemental. and i have a terribly awfully abnormal amount of hate that's building inside of me. i have a sick need to hate, and somehow my need to hate is stronger than my need to love everyone (except those i deem "worthy" as if there really were such a thing).

it's an ORANGE night outside with the kind of lights they have here. the tree is orange because of the glow, and it's practically autumn-midnight-like.

i think kids are where the most hope is, but i hate them too. i guess saying that confuses me. because how i see it, so you teach kids to see things and value things that you believe in, but THEN what do they do with that except go teach other kids and where do you get with it? ok ok, so if everyone were like the way i think they should be then it'd make a difference, but i won't be around for it, see look how selfish i am about happiness, as if there weren't enough to go around.

i just don't know how to treat other people because they're all such foreign elements to me. the only person i had any idea what to do with was scott, but now we've got to find that again and i've got to figure it out all over again because it's going to be different this time too.

then again i dont even really think of kids as real human beings so maybe that's why i hardly like them.

i like antville better than deadjournal because you don't have weird distractions like "what music you're listening to" and "what mood you're in" and you don't post stupid survey results or quiz results. plus i can choose who reads this now.

but listen, i'm sick of the self. really. because all pursuits of the self distinguishes the self from others, and it goes in such a way that im suddenly more important than them but i hate elitism. i just want to help too, but i can't pretend like ive got anything more figured out. well okay i just can't seem to find the line between elitism, confidence, understanding of things, and trying to help others (because when you help others you think youve got it all worked out better than them and that's elitism). dont you see what i mean? there's probably a perfectly logical way out of this but i told you IVE GOT A GODDAMN ROCK IN MY HEAD. how am i supposed to get anything done with a ROCK in my head??

i feel pretentious sometimes being all descriptive with the orangeness and the stickiness but that's what it's like to be in my body right now. not trying to filter anything, because i feel dirty right now because i am a dirty girl

now to sleep. i talk in my sleep, and im always afraid im gonna say something that's gonna weird poor marie out. i really like marie. last semester i didn't try so much to be good friends with her but now that i'm not resolved on being sad and escaping as much as possible, i am chilled out and it is really cool just hanging out with her. shes really not into crazy depressed things though, so i keep that on the "d/l." sorry. but shes very innocent, and the very opposite of my elitist self (not saying that i am entirely an elitist i am just talking about the side of myself that is an elitist) because i think she genuinely likes people just for being good people. and she just wants to be a good person. why do i have all these crazy artsy mumbo jumbo romantic visions of self-expression and beauty and spirituality and true emotional deep love? is there really value in that or am i just kidding myself that goodness and simplicity isn't enough? can a person really be satisfied with just goodness?

input encouraged, sleep for eaming required.