and i owe apologies to every moment that got lost and slid off of my emotions like that

i forgot to think in words and images -- instead i thought in events and comparisons, while forgetting to understand what i was even comparing anything to.

... experiencing is only half the battle

instants of consciousness break late mornings. slowly, suddenly, but forgotten and drained out by the glance at the clock and the look forward into the dull drizzle of sunny, cloudy, rainy days. left only with the choice to sleep until exhaustion runs dry. driven to do everything not.

it all slipped away in youth when its facade revealed dependence. leaving nothing but a tired, backgrounded lust for vibrance.

why can i only find the beauty left in words, dullness patterned onto musky fog? can i even ask that anymore? is it because i'm only meant to live in words? because love is when its meaning regains in ostentatious symbols of humanity, of culture, of the very atoms of thought. but is it deconstructed or constructed with those symbols? (sorry for using the word ostentatious, but that's how i feel. that's how i am. but at the same time, it feels kind of good to disregard subtlety and good-taste to just flat out disgustingly abuse language and add symbolism and psychology to every word) or both?

im only truly in love when im writing in my being. when beauty comes out in words. i guess ive forgotten that. ignored that. and i need it to feel human whether i knew it or not. my disappointment in reality probably has much less to do with reality, than with my understanding of reality.

and i just thought about things i've written. how i talk all about big words like time and feeling and souls -- constructions that become part of the deconstruction by remembering everything else related. i think i follow. i just mean words can carry so much more into a reality, without actually changing what's there, but rather digging into the past and understanding what's there and relating it to symbols that have already gained meaning in life. grounds it a bit. gives it roots to grow. and carries through all human experiences like this golden thread of meaning. like love.

im so glad i went to that talk last night because it was so ridiculous and i think its ridiculousness gave me a reason to try

scott quoted a friend of his in saying that the best place to find yourself is in a place where you don't fit in. or something along those lines. and ive had the opinion here why a GOOD professor would wanna teach here (the ones that really get you going).. then it hit me that the best place for a professor to teach, or the most purposeful place, is in a place full of apathy and ignorance like here. why would i wanna go to a tiny school with a lot of liberal nuts who mostly agree on the same ideas? think of how many people at uva at apathetic NOW, but won't be in four years. think of how many people i know that are apathetic and that i could try to talk to... not saying im not apathetic, because i really can be, but there is so much to care about, so much to change, that i have no good excuse to be hopeless cause it can be done.

time to go to my oral interview