so i was walking back from the track one day right before a basketball game and these two somewhat dirty looking black guys are holding up signs that they need tickets for the game. and no, they weren't dirty looking because they were black. so i was walking by and the guy looked at me so i was like "hello" treating him just like i would any other human being and then he said "hi" and as i walked past him he asks me "hey baby what do you say me and you get together sometime?" that makes me sad. there i was trying to treat someone with respect and because i was female i didn't get any respect. but it's not just that. i mean i can't hold it against him, i can't hold anything against anybody anymore because you can't really get outside of your own social and cultural influences.

okay, i'm going to sound like a total racist because i am racist but i can't really get outside of that in a way, and neither can you, so you really can't hold it against me. in passing, the first categories that i had been conditioned to see popped into my head: black male. just like when anyone first sees me, they probably see me as asian female. i mean consciously that becomes a distinguishing characteristic. whereas, if he had been a white male, i wouldn't have thought "he's white" or seen him as white persay, i would have seen him as the default male. just like langston hughes wasn't a great writer, he was a great black writer. just like if i became a writer, i wouldn't just be a writer, i'd be an asian-american writer, which suddenly defaults all my writing as speaking to and for this tiny community of people that isn't even a COMMUNITY. just a bunch of people who have been categorized in a specific way and so all they have in common is how people have decided to see them, which yes does give some sort of similarity to their experiences, but in the same way, bonding together as a community gives others a validation of seeing them AS a community. i know i know you have all heard me say this shit before, and it's hardly even my own, just what i learned in my damn anthropology class but i can't tell you how annoying it is that this sort of crap is supposed to be valid in my identity.

but i digress. so i see this guy "black male" and i get all paranoid like, yo i dont wanna disrespect him or what not, but i dont wanna treat him differently and be like hi if i wouldn't be hi to the normal white joe just hanging out. im so DISGUSTINGLY conscious of it all because i so badly want to be UNCONSCIOUS of it. but when i do say hi -- which i would have done to the white male if he had just outright and looked at me... he replies to an act of friendliness in what i would guess is in terms of how his interactions with people have been defined. i guess i can't really speak for this guy cos i dont KNOW him and see i can't even talk about this whole deal without already defining this guy's thought process by his race. and so I GIVE UP.

but what i do have to say is it makes me sad that charlottesville is built to block the poor downtown area off from the richy bitchy university. it makes me sad that we're tucked in our nice little bubble and we don't see how spoiled we are every single day and want to change things.

it makes me sad that organizations set up for good causes are typically all christian. yeah so now im an anti-christian. but i mean like madison house and habitat for humanity and such. why do they have to define themselves by their christianity? it's like hey, we're going to help you because we're christian and that's what i think god wants us to do. despite the fact that our all-powerful christian god is the one who causes your suffering, yet makes us nice little rich bitches, but that really isn't the point because so long as youre christian he'll like you. but yeah, he thinks youre a dirty human being, cos we're all sinners.

i dont have a problem with christians wanting to help people, but by defining themselves as a "christian" help group what is it supposed to score them brownie points with god? or trying to show people what good little christians they are? argh, all im really saying is i dont like it being all exclusive.

and now im sad because what i just wrote was a) repeating the shit i have said a million times before and b) helpless

enough