my stomach feels fleshy and over-done, weak and flaccid.

there's this crazy stickiness leaking from my skin. it's sweat but i'm not hot, it's that the oils in my body are permeating out.

and my brain feels like a massive rock, a lump in my head, and i can feel its immobility and its inability tied into my skull. a constant fatigue weighing down my every thought process, my every word, my every emotion.

i just know i really dont think any of anyone is all that bad. im worst because im a snivelling cranky selfish bitch and i like the stupidity of others but really deep down we're all just human. no matter what our standards of living at least we can all laugh and smile.

i should try to like people more, because i think my dislike for them has much more to do with their outside stupidity and more to do with my own need to feel superior. my own selfish belief that i have more of a right to say "i am" just because "i have." i hate being so competitive and i wish i could just LIKE people. im so ugly judgemental. and i have a terribly awfully abnormal amount of hate that's building inside of me. i have a sick need to hate, and somehow my need to hate is stronger than my need to love everyone (except those i deem "worthy" as if there really were such a thing).

it's an ORANGE night outside with the kind of lights they have here. the tree is orange because of the glow, and it's practically autumn-midnight-like.

i think kids are where the most hope is, but i hate them too. i guess saying that confuses me. because how i see it, so you teach kids to see things and value things that you believe in, but THEN what do they do with that except go teach other kids and where do you get with it? ok ok, so if everyone were like the way i think they should be then it'd make a difference, but i won't be around for it, see look how selfish i am about happiness, as if there weren't enough to go around.

i just don't know how to treat other people because they're all such foreign elements to me. the only person i had any idea what to do with was scott, but now we've got to find that again and i've got to figure it out all over again because it's going to be different this time too.

then again i dont even really think of kids as real human beings so maybe that's why i hardly like them.

i like antville better than deadjournal because you don't have weird distractions like "what music you're listening to" and "what mood you're in" and you don't post stupid survey results or quiz results. plus i can choose who reads this now.

but listen, i'm sick of the self. really. because all pursuits of the self distinguishes the self from others, and it goes in such a way that im suddenly more important than them but i hate elitism. i just want to help too, but i can't pretend like ive got anything more figured out. well okay i just can't seem to find the line between elitism, confidence, understanding of things, and trying to help others (because when you help others you think youve got it all worked out better than them and that's elitism). dont you see what i mean? there's probably a perfectly logical way out of this but i told you IVE GOT A GODDAMN ROCK IN MY HEAD. how am i supposed to get anything done with a ROCK in my head??

i feel pretentious sometimes being all descriptive with the orangeness and the stickiness but that's what it's like to be in my body right now. not trying to filter anything, because i feel dirty right now because i am a dirty girl

now to sleep. i talk in my sleep, and im always afraid im gonna say something that's gonna weird poor marie out. i really like marie. last semester i didn't try so much to be good friends with her but now that i'm not resolved on being sad and escaping as much as possible, i am chilled out and it is really cool just hanging out with her. shes really not into crazy depressed things though, so i keep that on the "d/l." sorry. but shes very innocent, and the very opposite of my elitist self (not saying that i am entirely an elitist i am just talking about the side of myself that is an elitist) because i think she genuinely likes people just for being good people. and she just wants to be a good person. why do i have all these crazy artsy mumbo jumbo romantic visions of self-expression and beauty and spirituality and true emotional deep love? is there really value in that or am i just kidding myself that goodness and simplicity isn't enough? can a person really be satisfied with just goodness?

input encouraged, sleep for eaming required.